SWIM ETIQUETTE

There has been an ongoing problem in the pool on just about every night. The problem is one of simple etiquette or lane discipline

 Toe Touching: Don't touch the toes of the swimmer in front

• When a swimmer is concentrating on technique or speed it is very irritating to have someone continually distracting you by playing Little Miss Piggy on your tootsies. So don't do it. Simply drop back half a metre. If you can swim at the same speed as the person in front, then you can do it 50cm back. Otherwise go last in the lane and give everyone half a length start. Or have a shower.

Wall Touching: Move over once you touch the wall

• Many swimmers like to know their time for each effort. This can only be done if they actually get to touch the wall at the end of the effort. So, lane leaders, as soon as you finish move quickly over to the opposite side of the lane... and if there are 4 or more in the lane move over and out a little from the wall to make room for everyone. Each person following should do the same so that everyone who wants to know their time, gets to do so. Otherwise go last in the lane. Or have a shower.

Centre Hogging: Swim close to the ropes

• Some swimmers swim very close to the centre line in the lane. This causes problems with clashing hands and fingers. It can be painful... especially when the person you've hit is only half your weight. The ropes are easy to see! The same problem arises with ludicrously wide arm swings... do some technique work to rid yourself of this affliction. Or take up discus chucking.

  Distorted Views of Reality: Are you really fast enough to lead?

• If you're unlikely to be able to sustain a pace commensurate with the ability of your lane then don't lead (unless the others have willingly agreed... look into their eyes... perhaps when they say, "Ay, ok, go ahead, I don't mind," they actually don't believe you'll sustain the pace for the full 200m!). Lead a slower lane or tuck in somewhere more realistic. Or start your own Psychotic Swim Club where everyone is simultaneously World 200m Record holder.

Male, Chauvinist and Porcine: Are you really faster than that female?

• Many of the faster swimmers in the club are female. And perhaps the female you insist on swimming in front of is faster than you... or equally fast. This is not about holding doors open and such like, it's about accepting that many many women are faster than many many men! It's hard to take guys, but apparently it's true. So, whether you're a Vietnamese Pot Bellied or a Gloucester Old Spot, if she's as fast or faster than you, she's every right to have a place appropriate to her speed.

 Note: only animals have been hurt in the implementing of these standards